Shame Has No Hold On Me Part 2

I don’t know if every little girl dreams of her wedding night more than her wedding day, but I sure did. I wasn’t so focused on what the dress would look like, or even what kind of man would be standing across from me at the end of the aisle. When I fantasized about my wedding night I dreamed of going to a hotel room with my new husband and him being so taken with me that he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It would be passionate and romantic, the start of a beautiful marriage. 

My first wedding night was anything but. My ex got so drunk he made a scene in public, threw up down my leg, cursed at me for trying to get him to our hotel room, tried to urinate in the elevator and then passed out on the toilet. 

Not my dream come true and we did not live happily ever after. 

I cried so hard that night. I was so embarrassed and realized what a big mistake I had made. If I could have accessed google on my phone back then I would have looked up how to annual a marriage, but we had to pay to get on the internet on our phones back then. 

The next morning I tried not to let him see how bad he had hurt me as we drove home with all the windows in the car down because the car was covered in vomit. It was another two days before we even consummated the marriage. 

Instead of the big, exciting moment I had always expected, it was… just sex. I had spent so much time in the years before our marriage having sex with my boyfriend and other people that while it still felt good, it didn’t have the fireworks I was hoping for. I did decide to be faithful to my husband at that point and no longer was having sex with anyone outside the marriage. Things improved over the next few weeks and I thought that maybe our rocky start was just a fluke, that things would get better after all. 

Spoiler alert, they didn’t.

I soon discovered my husband’s serious porn addiction and the beginnings of pornography related erectile dysfunction for him. I was 21. I loved my husband and wanted to have sex with him everyday. He had no interest in me and could barley get aroused, let alone fully engage in sex with me or follow through to completion.  

I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I wasn’t doing it right. Maybe if I were prettier, maybe if I knew the right moves. Maybe if I was better  he would have interest. 

Maybe if I changed, I could fix his problem. 

I had watched porn a little here and there trying to figure things out, but after marriage was when it became a daily habit. I was convinced if I copied how these girls acted and what they did then my husband would like me more. 

It didn’t work. He didn’t want me to do the things he saw online, he didn’t want me to look different.  Bottom line was he just didn’t want me. As our sexual relationship disintegrated, our relationship outside the bedroom broke apart as well. We began to fight daily over the smallest things and at times he would disappear for days. 

A few months before the end of our marriage I gave up begging for sex, and that meant we no longer had any. I began emotional affairs with other men who praised me for my looks and the way I talked to them. I knew how to make men like me and how to excite them, every man that is, except my husband. 

Watching porn everyday began to warp my mind. I started seeing other people as less than human. I stopped believing in healthy, monogamous relationships. Porn, and the attention I was getting from the handful of men I talked to on a daily basis, was my new drug. It gave me a high that I needed. I felt loved and accepted once again. I felt important. I felt desired. 

I still loved my husband, but I began to seriously consider leaving him. I didn’t want to live in a dysfunctional, sexless marriage anymore, but I also didn’t want to “give up” on my marriage so soon. 

I suggested counseling, but that was vetoed. I tried talking to friends, but the friends I was keeping at the time didn’t have any great advice for me. I was living a double life. I was letting the world believe I was a wholesome Christian woman living in a happy marriage. In reality I was doubting the existence of God, enslaved to my sin and toxic thinking, and in an immensely unhappy marriage. 

The day finally came when I got my out. My husband confessed he had been having an affair with a teenager who was working for me. I finally had my “excuse” to leave, and I took it. We immediately began a very amicable divorce. 

I now had two paths lying before me and a choice to make: I could keep going down the path of self interest I was on, or I could turn around and make some hard changes. 

Below is a heart felt, albeit long video version of part two. 

Stay tuned! The wrap up with part 3 will be here soon!