Sex After Baby Part 7: Porn, Masturbation and Infidelity

It’s kind of a widely known fact that sex decreases after a baby in both frequency and quality. We have already explored that fact and the importance of sex here, but what should a husband with a high sex drive do in the mean time? 

I have heard many a coworker or acquaintance over the years say they welcomed the break that they got from their husband picking up the habit of porn use or masturbation. “He can take care of himself as long as he isn’t bothering me”. It was just a normal, acceptable thing.

I also remember a coworker years ago tell me while she was pregnant that she was ok with  her baby daddy “getting his fix from the other hos as long as he don’t bring home anything to me”.

Even back then I realized that was probably not a healthy outlook, but most of the time  it isn’t even a talked about issue. Sometimes it is a wife turning a blind eye to her husband’s issues. Maybe she suspects, or maybe she knows, but is ignoring it. 

Let me be clear from this moment on: chronic masturbation, porn use, and infidelity are not healthy nor acceptable alternatives in a marriage. Not after a baby. Not in moments of sickness. Not ever. 

Porn

I shared a little bit about my struggle with porn here, here and here.

I was in a marriage that was in part ruined by porn induced erectile dysfunction. After years and years of daily porn use my husband at the time couldn’t get or sustain an erection to have sex. 

Being young I thought it was my fault. I thought it was because I was too fat, or not pretty enough. I thought if I changed who I was and did the things I saw the girls do in those videos then I could fix him. 

 I was wrong and my eyes began to open to the life ruining dangers and perversion that is pornography. 

Pornography is a perversion of the truth. It takes something pure and beautiful (healthy sex within the marriage) and perverts it into something else. It changes the way you look at the world and other people. It changes your understanding of what sex should be. It warps the truth and even just the occasional porn consumption, alone or together with your partner, can have detrimental effects on your marriage. 

 If your husband is struggling with this please find wise counsel. A great resource to start with is strongwives.com. Don’t just settle for it!

Masturbation

This is a gray area in the Bible. There actually aren’t any verses that specifically speak against masturbation. The only passage that is commonly cited is in Genesis _____ where Judah’s son pulls out and ejacultaes on the ground instead of inside his wife. This is called “spilling seed”. He was struck dead for that act. If you read that whole story in context though, you realize he was killed because he was selfish. The reason he pulled out was trying to avoid pregnancy. He didn’t want to create a baby with his dead brother's wife because that baby would have inherited Judah’s wealth instead of him. His sin was not spilling his seed, but his greed and selfishness.

While masturbation may not be an outright sin, I have seen masturbation become an addiction and an idol, even when not connected to porn consumption. 

If you are habitually using masturbation as a means to fulfill your sexual needs inside a marriage then chances are you aren’t using sex to connect with your spouse in the frequency or depth that you both need. 

I’ve tried to justify it myself. I thought maybe if I took care of myself more often I would have a stronger sex drive and better sex with my husband. However, the opposite became true. The more I relied on it the less sex we had. 

It’s one thing to be familiar with your body and know what works. It’s a whole other thing to use masturbation to habitually fulfill your own needs. When you are married you have become one flesh and are to help fulfill each other’s needs, including the sexual ones. 

I’m going to leave it on this note: if you think masutrbation is okay, ask the Lord if that’s what he wants for you or your spouse. Is it something that has become an idol in your life? Is your spouse okay with it? If you told your spouse “hey I was horny but you weren’t available so I took care of it myself” how would they respond?

It seems like a trivial matter, but it kind of is a big deal. 

Infidelity

While porn and masturbation may seem like gray areas, even the world knows infidelity is unacceptable. One of the most likely times that a man is going to cheat is after a baby comes along. While his wife is wrapped up with the care of this new little person, he begins to feel left out and neglected. It’s not an acceptable excuse, but it does happen. I am not sharing this to scare you, but to make you aware that it can become an issue. If you both are aware of it, it is easier to nip in the bud before it gets out of hand. 

This is not an excuse for you to start harassing and suspecting your husband, but be aware of the fact that he needs some attention, too. 

Men cheat for many reasons, but one of the most common is because they are not getting their needs met and don’t know what to do about that. Not just their physical needs, but their emotional and spiritual ones, too. 

 Like I said, it doesn't make it right, but it happens. While it is not your job to get your husband off every night to keep him from cheating, you are half of this marriage and you still need to be loving him well. In turn, he may need to learn a little self control and patience, but that is not your job to teach him those things.

Conclusion

You don’t have to settle for any of these things and they are not part of a happy marriage. However, if your spouse is struggling in any of these areas, recognize that it is a problem with THEM and not with you. Find grace for them and pray that the Lord opens their eyes to the pain in their past that left them feeling like they were lacking. 

If you are having issues with these things find somebody to talk to who is going to give wise and sound council, not someone who is going to gossip and trash talk with you. 

These things do not automatically mean the end of a marriage, but they need to be addressed and dealt with ASAP. 

Joel and I went through the Love After Marriage Course (find it here) and thought it was amazing. Even though we were not actively walking through issues at the time, it helped us deal with some baggage we had brought into the marriage and made us go from a good relationship to a great one.

If you have a friend come to you with these issues, DO NOT act like your husband WOULD NEVER. DO NOT condemn their spouse, only the sin. DO NOT tell anyone else what was told to you in confidence. Your best bet? Sit and listen. Listen more than you talk. Do not offer advice unless asked. And above all, pray with them. 

Let me know your thoughts! Leave a comment or share with a new mom who may need to tuck these things away for a rainy day.