Sex After Baby Part 5: Exhaustion
Exhaustion
Scene: You have been flirting over text message all day (with your husband of course). You two haven’t had sex in a week and you PROMISED to do some especially fun things with him once the kids are asleep. You get ready for bed and crawl under the sheets only to realize the desire you had a few hours earlier has completely been replaced by an intense desire for sleep. Sex, especially the extra credit, long, drawn out kind, seems like the worst idea right now.
I don’t think there is any way to appreciate what really good sleep is until you go for a period of time without it.
Motherhood will make you appreciate really good sleep.
In college I worked late hours and ran on little sleep but I also got good at napping in weird places whenever I got the chance.
You can’t nap whenever you want as a mama who is either working or watching your children all day.
For me, it isn't the physical exhaustion, I feel like I got used to that with years working night shift.
It's the mental brain fog and lack of motivation that get me.
Sex is one of those things, that I do want to do and deep down know I need to participate in…
But dang it is hard to get motivated for it sometimes.
I know you are tired, too. I don’t think I have to go on and on explaining how moms are mentally and physically exhausted and don’t feel like having sex. So as to not beat the dead horse, here are some really practical tips on how to combat exhaustion as a mom.
Say no.
Say it a lot. Say it to volunteering at your kids school. Say it to helping out at church. Say it to your kids who want to join a new sport. Say it to your husband when he wants to start ANOTHER business (not to get specific of anything).
No is an anointed word and we don’t use it enough. Get good at listening to the Holy Spirit and knowing in the moment the difference between something you are called to do and something that may be good, but will also be an energy sapping distraction.
I used to be a yes woman, in fact I have a whole blog series bout that (part 1 part 2 part 3). However, I realized recently that when I am piling too many things on my plate and am getting too worn out, sex is one of the first things to get set aside. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Prioritize sex
When you acknowledge that sex doesn’t just make you feel better, but is necessary for a healthy and holy marriage, its a little easier to make space and time for it. Even if you have to schedule it for a season, make sure it is something you are creating time for.
3.Feed yourself
It's easy to just chug another coffee when you are feeling sleepy, but that's neither helpful nor healthy. I am that mom that forgets to eat and is not good at taking care of herself. Especially if you are breastfeeding, you need to be feeding yourself.
Extreme dieting, trying to lose weight rapidly, or just not getting enough nutrition are all going to exacerbate your exhaustion.
Have some carbs. Eat that piece of cheese. Feed yourself.
On the other hand though, make sure you are feeding yourself nutritious food that is fueling your body. That donut might give you a quick sugar fix, but is soon going to make you feel worse than before.
Not that you need one more thing to do or think about, but how we eat impacts every area of our lives. If you are so busy you are sacrificing how you eat, then it is time to get rid of some other things in your life until you can get that on track.
4. Move your body
You probably know this, already, but its easy to push this task aside, too. Moving your body increases blood flow and helps combat fatigue. Take a walk after school with the kids. Take 10 minutes to stretch when you wake up. Throw on a 20 minute low impact workout from YouTube. It doesn't have to be anything crazy. Just move.
5. Take that nap
I am giving you permission to take that nap. In fact I insist. Yes, you might have been using nap time to do the dishes or fold the laundry, but those things can wait. Get your rest.
If your kids don't nap anymore, implement quiet time. If your kid is old enough to not nap they are old enough to hang out in their bedroom for an hour by themselves. You don’t need to use TV or a tablet (but I totally did that yesterday to get a 10 minute nap. Its about balance).
Start setting up a routine that gets you some time to rest, WITHOUT ANY ELECTRONICS, even if it is just time laying on the couch and reading by yourself.
6. Push through
Sometimes you just gotta push through. Yes you are tired, but is putting sex off one more night going to be the best thing for your relationship with your husband? Sex is worship, and sometimes worship is the most effective when we really don’t feel like it. Sex has a different effect on everyone, but for me it helps me sleep deeper. It sometimes always is worth it for me to stay up 15 extra minutes, but sleep a little deeper and better throughout the night.
7. You don’t have to have sex at night
Im actually a morning sex kind of person. Or middle of the day. I really do like just going to sleep when I get in bed at the end of the night.
There are other times of day to have sex. It doesn't even have to be in your bed. Yes, that is harder when the kids are awake or you and your husband work opposite schedules. Now that our oldest is 5 however, she is more than responsible enough to hangout with her sister and watch a movie for 15 minutes while mommy and daddy “nap”.
Find the rhythm that works for you.
8. Talk to a professional
If you feel overly, unnaturally fatigued it may be time to look for professional help. Just getting a blood panel from your doctor to look for abnormalities could lead to a simple fix. I found I had critically low vitamin D levels and started a long journey to fix what was causing that. I also started taking beef liver and magnesium supplements and have found that my energy levels improved dramatically. I also found more grace for myself knowing that there were some medical causes to my low energy, and I wasn’t just being “lazy”
9. Have grace for yourself
Stop comparing yourself to other moms than seem to get more done in a day than you do. Stop calling yourself lazy if you need to spend a day on the couch. Yesterday I had a sudden migraine come on an laid in bed half the day listening to scripture and meditations on my phone. I felt guilty for “not doing anything” all day but, my husband corrected my thinking. I actually did do something yesterday. I laid in bed and talked to the Lord and filled my spirit up with his word. I rested. I took care of myself, and today is a new day.
In conclusion:
There is no magic cure for the exhaustion of parenthood, but creating an environment where you are caring for yourself is the first step to getting your life back on track.
Let me know if the comments if you have any tips or tricks that have helped you get through the exhaustion of parenting!
