Sex After Baby Part 3: Being “Touched Out”
I happened to have several conversations with different moms this weekend, some new, some seasoned, and a common statement in every conversation was : I didn’t expect to be so “touched-out”, but the struggle is real.
Whether physical touch is your love language or not, you probably did not always feel overwhelmed by even the thought of someone touching you.
I remember first being married to Joel and not only wanting to have sex all the time, but also wanting to hold hands, snuggle, be close together at all times, too.
That overwhelming desire for physical touch soon faded, however, because it is NOT one of my love languages.
If you don’t know what your love language(s) is then you should pause a second and go figure that out. We learned about it in premarital counseling and then reaffirmed it at 5 years when we took a Love After Marriage class. Click here to go take the quiz!
I receive (and give) love through acts of service and words of affirmation. I feel loved when people go out of their way to do something for me or take the time to verbally tell me how they appreciate me.
If I were to rank my love languages, physical touch is the very, very last. It barely registers on my radar.
As a child, I avoided hugs and physical touching with family members. It never felt good or was enjoyable.
As a teenager and young adult the only physical touch I enjoyed was sexual, and continued to avoid any other manner of touch.
As a human being, I just do not like being touched.
Explaining this to my husband, whose top love language is physical touch, has been difficult and at times caused conflict in our marriage. He feels (and gives) love by hugging, touching, and being physically close. Wanting to hold hands and softly rub my arm is his “I love you”. To me, it disturbs my nervous system and makes me physically uncomfortable.
Proverbs 27:14 says:
“If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.”
Basically, if you are offering your love in the wrong way, or at the wrong time, it will be taken badly. Even if you have the best intentions, loving someone how YOU want to be loved and not how THEY want to be loved will cause conflict.
Having kids intensified that.
Not only having kids, but having two children that themselves crave physical touch.
I am touched by three humans from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep and even all night long. I also have a job where I touch people all day.
For someone that doesn’t like to be touched, it has become my lot in life.
As I mentioned above this has caused friction in our marriage, but Joel and I have begun to learn to navigate this, especially when it comes to the touching that is required to have enjoyable sex.
Here are a few things we have learned to navigate this issue:
Set boundaries
This does not mean that you are off limits to be touched at all times. Thats not how healthy relationships work, especially when the other person in the relationship NEEDS it. A healthy boundary simply means I am not available to all people in my household at all times. Sometimes it looks like gently asking my five year old to sit next to me and not on me or to stop rubbing my leg with her foot, but hold my hand instead. There are also times I ask my husband not to scratch my arm or caress my head, but instead do something that is helpful to me like rub my feet or neck. Maybe you need to not snuggle on the couch after dinner if you are going to have sex later. Discover what YOU need, set the boundaries in love, and be firm with them. You aren’t being cruel, you are protecting the well being of your entire family.
2. Change your perspective
Your children don’t hang on you all day because they are trying to harm you or fry your nerves. They love you and feel safe with you and want to touch you because you are their comfort.
Your husband is not trying to annoy you or further stress you out. He loves you and NEEDS you. He also receives comfort in your body and needs your physical touch to feel.
Recognizing why people are touching you all the time can help change your perspective.
3. Ask for help.
If you are feeling totally overwhelmed by your children so much so that you don’t have the ability to give anything to your husband, then you need a break from your children. It is healthy for both you and your child to spend time apart. Ask your husband to take the kids or arrange weekly childcare with a friend or family member. Make the time for yourself to be alone and breathe.
I got a pair of noise cancelling headphones this year and *try* to make time daily to put them on and sit by myself without the kids. Whether this means they are with my husband or it needs to happen before the kids wake up, I feel physical relief from sitting in the quiet, by myself, and meditating on scripture. As silly as it is, it helps me “endue” the rest of the day a little better.
4. Have an ongoing conversation with your husband about how you feel and how he can help you.
This is a two way street. You are a team, and need to work together to get through these issues. Continue to check in with each other, sharing your needs and feelings. Do not dismiss or belittle each others feelings about needing to be touched or not touched.
5. Sacrifice.
This is for both of you. There are nights you will need to “sacrifice” your body for 15 more minutes because your husband really needs to have sex and get out of that funk hes been in for a couple days. There will be nights he must love you by sacrificing himself and knowing he needs to go to bed without ejaculating tonight. Marriage is about putting the other person’s needs above your own and when you both start making it a point to serve the other person, it will no longer feel like a chore to be intimate with your spouse.
What do you think? Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the constant touching?
I linked a video here of further discussion on this topic with my husband. Check it out if you’d like to hear a little more! Let me know your thoughts below or on Instagram.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read and invest into your marriage.
