Sex After Baby Part 2: Your Postpartum Body
Sex After Baby Part 2
The Physical: Your Postpartum Body
This is not a “how to get your body back to normal as quickly as possible because your husband needs to have sex” guide. Sex is not a chore for you to get back to. You don’t need to hurry up and get back to normal to perform your wifely duty again.
Sex is an important, and even necessary, part of marriage, but only when you BOTH are mutually enjoying it and growing closer because of it. I want to keep talking about this topic because I know I am not the only mom who struggled with this.
6 weeks is the benchmark. 42 days. That is the amount of time needed to heal your vagina and uterus after birthing a baby before having sex again. Or so they say.
There are so many factors that go into that. You hear of people having another kid 10 months after their first and you take a minute to do the math in your head and realize they probably didn’t wait a full 6 weeks. Then you hear the horror stories of women with 4th degree tears, infected stitches, uteruses falling out. You know for a fact those ladies aren’t letting a penis near them anytime soon.
6 weeks is the bare minimum you should wait, for actual health reasons. Whether vaginal or via C-section, when your placenta comes out it leaves an actual wound in your uterus, and that takes about 6 weeks to heal. Getting that infected would be a pretty terrible thing.
6 weeks is the minimum, but some moms are not ready at that mark and thats ok, too.
Before we get into the emotional and spiritual side of sex after baby, I want to walk through the physical hurdles. Below I will talk about some really common things you may experience postpartum and some ways to go about fixing them. I am not a doctor and none of this is medical advice, just my own opinion as a Registered Nurse and natural birth advocate.
Pelvic Floor Dysfunction
I think I barely made it to 6 weeks both times, but I also had very simple vaginal deliveries with no tearing and I have a very persistent (needy) husband. That doesn't mean that it was back to the same old same old, though.
After the first baby, I noticed discomfort, but it improved over time. I noticed I needed more time to “warm up”, more foreplay, and I felt pain in certain positions, but after baby number two all those things got worse.
Thankfully, after my second daughter I realized pretty quickly that something was wrong and jumped on fixing it. I had a mild prolapse, meaning my pelvic floor muscles were not doing their job and my bladder and uterus were dipping down into my vagina. It probably had happened after the birth of my first daughter, but the symptoms weren’t bad enough for me to do anything about then.
It took another baby and worsening symptoms to make me take action. Sex was more uncomfortable, very few positions were even tolerable, let alone enjoyable. I resorted to offering oral sex more frequently to avoid vaginal sex because it was becoming unbearable. That coupled with complete loss of bladder control led me to seek out some therapy.
Sometimes we don’t realize how bad things were until we get ourselves out of the situation. Within just a few weeks of pelvic floor rehab and some great physical therapy my uterus and bladder were back where they belonged, I went from bladder leaks multiple times a day to NONE ( I’m not kidding. I can’t even remember the last time I even had a little stress leak!) and sex became enjoyable again.
It cost me time and money to get my body fixed, but it was necessary not just for my health, but the health of our marriage. Continually avoiding sex becasue it wasn’t comfortable anymore doesn’t make for a happy, healthy relationship.
Not every woman will experience a prolapse, but even just weakness in the pelvic floor after baby can lead to issues. If you are finding yourself having pain during sex in any or all positions it definitley isn’t normal and it definitely should be looked in to! It may be scary, but take the time to seek out someone in your area who specializes in pelvic floor health and get your butt in to see them.
Vaginal Tears/Episiotomy
Even if you didn’t tear, almost every mom can relate to the burning pee after a vaginal delivery. Your labia and vagina got a little beat up and the skin is sensitive, so just urinating can sting. Some moms, however, have it way worse. Simple 1st degree tears are not uncommon and generally happen when baby comes out a little too fast, is on the big side, or interventions like forceps are used. Typically stitches are given, but these tears usually heal quickly without complication. 2nd, 3rd, and 4th degree tears involve progressively more tissues and get worse as the number increases.
While not common, they can take a very long time for you to feel “back to normal”. It's not talked about a lot and one of those “out of sight, out of mind” things your doctor may not even check. However, they can be a big deal.
Unfortunately a once common procedure, the episiotomy, has led to more 3rd and 4th degree tears. It is a cut in the bottom of the vaginal opening meant to prevent tearing, but it in fact leads to a greater chance of tearing and tearing worse than you would without it. Thankfully it is a procedure that is on the decline, but some women are still given it even in this day and age.
The more severe the trauma, the longer it can take to heal and at times there can be long lasting nerve damage. If this is the case for you and you are either scared to have sex again or are feeling pain with sex it is time to talk to someone about it. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to whoever delivered your baby about it, look for someone who you can talk to about it. There are compassionate OBGYN’s and midwives out there who would love to help you get back to normal. You just need to be brave and advocate for yourself!
No Lubrication/Decreased Sex Drive
A funny thing your body does while breastfeeding is try to prevent you from getting pregnant again. Your hormones may cause amenorrhea, meaning you don’t have a normal menstrual cycle/period. Another fun thing those hormones do is cause a decrease in your sex drive AND vaginal dryness. Ah yes. Everyone’s favorite topic. Dry vaginas.
These are issues that can be solved pretty easily.
For a dry vagina, get yourself some good lube. We tried several before I found one I liked. I like being as natural as possible with everything so I tried things like coconut oil and olive oil first, but the coconut oil left me itchy and the olive oil was just messy and left grease spots everywhere. I would still recommend trying them, but they just weren’t for me.
We eventually found a water based lubricant that worked well and had no side effects for me. It took some trial and error, but it still is a necessity for us, especially when we are in a time crunch.
I would not recommend hormonal creams or lubricants meant for menopausal women, because those could mess with your milk supply and/or postpartum hormones. However, if you are noticing other hormonal symptoms and persistent issues months after baby comes it may not hurt to consult with your doctor and get your hormone levels checked.
As far as the decreased libido goes, I'll address that in a post to come. Even when your physical body is saying “no thank you” there are times when you should and need to do it anyways. Unpopular opinion, but whatever. If you feel offended by that statement maybe it was for you.
Engorged Breasts, Milk and Chaffed Nipples
My husband saw me write this subtitle and chimed in with his own opinion: “yea, they look so big and fun, but you can’t touch them!”
Maybe fun for him, but not for you.
It's a symptom that every breastfeeding mom will experience: the tender, swollen breasts and sore, please don’t touch, nipples. In the first few weeks your breasts are a little confused and are trying to figure out how much milk they need to make. This means they can fill up with milk and leak with little to no notice. Your nipples are also adjusting to a tiny human sucking on them all the time. Even with the easiest babies some nipple soreness is normal.
Both of my girls had mouth ties, one a lip and and one a tongue, so they both had trouble latching. This meant a very painful breastfeeding journey in the beginning as we were sorting things out. We made it, and are still going strong with number two, but there were some changes I had to embrace and walk through.
After the birth of my first daughter I had a totally new relationship with my breasts. They were no longer the sexual object they had been for the last decade, they were now a practical, baby feeding tool. My view of my breasts had shifted, but my husband’s had not.
My husband saw two enormous fun bags that were begging to be played with, so every chance he got he would try to squeeze or touch them. This led to one of the first prolonged, serious fights in our relationship. It took several serious conversations for him to realize the pain and discomfort he was causing me, both physically and emotionally.
It actually came out in counseling years later that I had trust issues because he would touch my poor engorged breasts right after the first baby when I repeatedly asked him not to. Thankfully we worked through that issue and I was able to forgive and trust again before the second one came along.
Not every man will have the same reaction, but its something for you to consider: your husband’s view of your body has not shifted very much at all while yours has.
So how to have sex when your boobs are in crisis?
Start with a conversation. Maybe it doesn't bother you to have them touched during sex. Maybe you want to take your boobs off your body and hide them in a closet. Talk to your spouse. Let them know how you are feeling and what is going on. Ask for their help and support in this matter.
Make sure you are using a good nipple butter and doing other things to help your nipples heal. This is good for you in general, not just pertaining to sex.
It may also be helpful to feed right before you have sex, so your breasts are less full and there will be less milk spraying everywhere.
You can also try wearing a bra or tank top during sex as a reminder to him that your breasts are a no touching zone. This also can add support so any bouncing doesn’t worsen the sensitivity. Another bonus is it allows for nipple pads to help with leaking or pain and a tank top will hold your belly in, too, because it will be jiggly for awhile. Just remind your husband that this isn’t forever!
Once you’ve made it through the engorgement and nipple pain there is still the milk. Your husband may think its gross, not mind, or maybe he will think its fun. To me a little milk is just another bodily fluid, but if it is stressful to him or you talk about it and find a solution, or again feed right before to avoid milk spray-age.
Wrap up
I think that's enough information for the moment. Are there other things you would like to see addressed or things you struggled with?
Tell me in the comments!
