When My World is Falling Apart
One would think with ample down time on my hands I would be using it to write more, but I haven’t. I was excited and hopeful during the first few days of quarantine, but as the days wore on that hope and excitement quickly gave way to anxiety and despair.
Within a week I found myself going through all the stages of grief over the loss of my former life. It’s amazing how quickly my emotions can roller coaster. I would find myself denying that this pandemic is a big deal or that it will last long. I would find myself angry at lawmakers and the people panicking around me. I started bargaining with God. What can I do to make you end this Lord? I became reacquainted with depression. Some days I barley could motivate myself to get out of bed. However, by the end of a good day I could sometimes make my way to acceptance.
Being in such an anxious roller of emotions everyday was not healthy for me spiritually, emotionally nor physically. I felt out of control. Everything I’ve worked so hard for is out of my hands. I have no income. I felt terrified. I’m not afraid of the virus, I was haunted by the 1,000 “what-ifs” swirling around in my mind. I felt alone. I felt desperate.
I was trying to be brave, I was trying to read my bible and talk to the Lord, but there were some moments I felt that it wasn't even worth it. What’s the point? I’ve started clenching my teeth at night. My heart was always racing. I couldn’t think straight.
I was afraid.
However, last night, something changed. I woke up in the night, unable to sleep. I tossed and turned, one moment too hot, one moment too cold. Every moment questioning why my husband and I had downsized from a king sized bed to a queen.
I lay awake, staring out the window, mind racing, and let up a desperate cry to heaven.
“God, where are you?”
Instantaneously I felt the urge to look up Romans chapter 8. I’ve heard so many preachers read passages from this chapter lately, but no matter how many times
I’ve heard it, it just hadn’t sunk in. Sometimes, you just got to read it for yourself.
I’m not going to type out the entire chapter for you. You are a grown person, you can look it up on your own, and you should.
I will however highlight to you the parts that jumped off the page to me and quieted my fears.
If you don’t know, Paul wrote the book of Romans to the church in Rome, explaining to them how they should be living and believing.
He starts off by explaining that we are no longer part of the world, who lives in the flesh. We have been set free from sin and death by Jesus, who by dying fulfilled the covenant. Paul then goes on to explain that there is a difference to living in the flesh and living in the Spirit. Living by the flesh, the way the world sees things, only brings death. True life can only come by living with a mind governed by the Spirit.
As believers, we have an obligation not to let our mind be governed by the flesh, the world, but to be continuously led by the Holy Spirit.
So where has my mind been focusing lately? On what the world is telling me, or on what the Holy Spirit is doing?
A bit further down Paul gives us a little blurb about hope. He tells us that even as creation cries out for God to be revealed, so we ourselves inwardly cry out to be fully redeemed and transformed with the Lord. This is where our hope lies. However, hope that is easily seen is not hope at all. We must hope for what we do not see and wait for it patiently and with composure.
I had not been waiting hopefully with composure. I was a wreck. Did I even actually have hope? I was encouraging others to have it, but did I?
Continuing on into Romans 8. This is where it really starts getting good.
In verse 26 Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit is to help us in our weakest moments. We can be so afraid, so distressed that we do not even know what to pray for or how to talk to God, but the Spirit intercedes on our behalf with sighs and groanings beyond words. Holy Spirit intercedes to God for God’s people in accordance with God’s will.
I don’t know what to even pray for or how to intercede right now, but I have a spirit guide that knows exactly what needs done. He is leading me.
We know with great confidence that God, who is deeply concerned for us, causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him.
If I truly love God and choose Him, He will work things for my good. The scary moments, the bad things. Even death can be turned to good for the Lord.
If God is for us, who can be against us? Who, or what, could separate us from the love of Jesus. No trial, no distress, no persecution or famine or danger can separate us from the love of Jesus.
Not even a pandemic.
The last part here, is a verse I have often quoted to myself, but last night I saw it in a new way. Verses 38-39 “For I am convinced the neither death, not life, nor angels, nor demons, nor things present and threatening, nor anything to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any created thing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord”.
Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Father. I may die. In fact I will someday. I may be attacked. I may go through poverty, loss, and harm. I may go through every single “what if” in my growing list, but, you know what?
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I go through in this life because nothing can separate me from God and His love. His love is all I need. His perfect love.
Perfect love that casts out fear.
