Fear When I Get My Way
Written May 2020. I battled hyperemesis gravidarum with both pregnancies, but this time it was especially bad and made me question a lot. I thankfully am a fortunate woman whose symptoms subsided around 16 weeks, some women who suffer don’t see relief until the baby is delivered. This is a journal entry from that dark time.
It was just a few weeks ago that I sat on the floor of our empty house, sobbing at the thought of not getting my way. I had been contending for another baby for months and a pregnancy test had just told me no, not this month either.
As I sat on the floor and cried the Lord sent me a gentle reminder of what I needed to cling to in the moment:
Hope.
He settled my fears, I made my peace and went back to life.
Now I lay in bed, only 5 weeks later, unable to stop sobbing again. A second, this time positive, pregnancy test and 4 weeks of constant nausea and vomiting have wrecked me. I had this with my first. Somehow, I forgot.
When I was praying for another child all those months the Lord reminded me of how hard it was on me the first time. I told him I didn’t care. I would suffer to get what I wanted.
I now question that decision. I’m exhausted, I can barely function. Everything smells bad, everything makes me gag. I have absolutely no interest in food and what I do force myself to eat doesn’t stay down long. In my darkest moments I think of ending the pregnancy or even taking my own life. I wasn’t prepared to pay this price again.
I know that sounds extreme and probably doesn’t make sense if you’ve never lived through this. What could possibly make someone change their mind once they finally got what they wanted?
Well, I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one. In fact I know I’m not the only one who at some point in life got an answered prayer and then became afraid.
I have a lot of emotions right now. Some of my hormones are 300 times their normal level. Fear might not be the emotion in the forefront of my mind, but it is there.
I am afraid that I am not strong enough to make it through this. I am afraid it won’t end until the baby is delivered. Can I do this another 31 weeks? I am afraid that I am causing a rift in my marriage, my husband can’t seem to grasp how awful I feel and I can’t explain it. I am afraid I made a mistake in asking for this. I try to remind myself hourly of the prize to be held at the end. I watch videos online of cute babies and reminisce about my first child’s infancy. I try to stay positive. I try to pray. I try to do everything I need to do, but in the middle of the night I find myself afraid.
My husband and I are currently out of work due to the COVID-19 shutdown. We both felt it was a partial blessing. Once I became sick I didn’t have to worry about missing work. My husband has found time to do an unending number of projects he has been neglecting for years. After six weeks of no income we even were blessed with a forgivable loan and dozens of generous friends and family members sending us money. God had provided for us in this time. He quieted many of my fears.
Yet, I was still afraid. Although it was a blessing not to worry about finances anymore, I still found myself struggling. I couldn’t find the energy to make it passed the couch. If I got off the couch it was to get my daughter a snack from the kitchen or go stick my head in the toilet again. Once in a while I would get a burst of energy, but it was short lived and I would go right back to feeling dizzy, shaky, and awful.
So what am I to do? An emotional and physical hot mess who feels like she is dying. I feel hopeless and disgusting, worthless and terrible. I am at the lowest point I’ve been in a long time, maybe the lowest in my life.
What do I do?
I remind myself of who I am to God.
The other night as I was crying over our dwindling bank account I suddenly started reciting the 23rd psalm. I knew it well, most people have heard it before. It’s beautiful and simple, a reminder of who God is and who I am to Him. Again tonight, I repeated that scripture until my tears dried and I could feel peace again.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 23:2-6 NIV
I can’t see those things in my life right now, I don’t necessarily feel the goodness of the Lord or His love, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
I am walking through a dark place, but I am not supposed to fear the evil in that dark place. Even at this, my lowest point, God is still with me.
Writing this has not healed me of my ailments. Honestly, I may still have weeks to go.
However, I know now that I need to continually be reminding myself that I can find joy in my present suffering and that even in my darkest, lowest moments, God is there with me.
I’m walking through the darkest valley, yet God is still here.
