When the Balance is Off
Last month I was talking about submission and love, the two roles in the marriage. If you need to catch up on those blog entries click here and here.
If you read those you know the two roles are for a wife to be respectful and honoring to her husband. The husband in turn is to love his wife as much as his very life.
In a happy and secure marriage there is trust and hope in the other person. The wife trusts her husband is going to love her deeply and always consider her. The husband trusts that his wife honors his decisions and respects him.
However, as I was writing these two posts I realized it was all well and good for me to explain what each person in the marriage needed to do, but what happens if those roles are off balance? What happens if one or both of you are not showing up and doing the work necessary to have that happy, fruitful marriage?
I’ve seen many unbalanced marriages go south. I was even a part of one.
Two people got married. Maybe they started off ill equipped and unready. Maybe there was a drastic change. Either way it got out of balance and it is not a good place to be.
In these marriages there may be a husband who is acting selfishly and not loving his wife properly. Maybe he isn’t a believer and doesn’t even understand how to love her. Maybe he doesn’t have a good grasp on love and sacrifice. Either way he’s not doing his job.
On the other side you sometimes see a domineering wife, one who learned to take care of herself and now is the boss of everyone in her household, including her husband. Maybe it was years of past hurts and unhealthy relationships that taught her to take care of herself and be in control at all times. Maybe because the husband is a poor leader the wife has felt the need to step in and usurp his role. Either way, she's not doing her job.
In these marriages you sometimes see peace and tolerance on the surface, but if you look just a little deeper you will see two unhappy people. Both husband and wife are unhappy with themselves and unhappy with each other. They are just holding it together because anything else seems like too much work.
Sometimes that frustration on one or both ends erupts into violence, verbal assaults or infidelity. In these marriages it is plain to see that no one is happy, yet they keep living in this perpetually unhappy ground hog day.
Neither situation is ok.
If you believe in Jesus then your very first mission is to your spouse. You cannot serve or love on anyone else properly if your marriage is in shambles. After your relationship with God, your priority should be your spouse.
God does not want you to live in semi tolerable peace with your spouse until one of you die.
He is for you and wants you to have a happy marriage.
But do you want that? Are you willing to work for it?
Maybe your marriage is already great, but how are you supporting your friends who are in this situation?
Marriages are under attack more than ever and we are just living in acceptance of it.
With all that said, let me give you some practical ways to work on your marriage:
Stop playing the blame game.
Not everything is your spouse's fault. You are responsible for what goes on in your home, too. Sometimes it is even as small as what you allow your spouse to say to you or how you let their mood effect you.
Acknowledge that some of your problems may be your fault, too.
Get in the Word
Strengthen your relationship with the Lord.
Get yourself on track spiritually.
Watch how you talk about your spouse and your marriage
If you are constantly talking about how terrible your marriage is then you will have a terrible marriage. If you always talk trash about your husband you will never see him as anything other than trash.
Your words have power, and can shape the outcome of your marriage.
Seek outside help
Find couples whose marriages you admire and spend time with them.
Seek out counsel with the mindset of finding perspective and insight, not because you want to fix your spouse
Recognize that your spouse may have some issues… and you might, too.
Did you bring baggage into your relationship? Were there past issues that were not dealt with?
Have grace for your spouse in their issues and encourage them that they don’t have to live in bondadge to their past.
Fill your minds and marriage with “whatever”. Philippians 4:8
Is the media you consume uplifting marriages or making fun of them
Are you and your spouse spending time in the word and filling your soul with what is good?
Are you actively seeking out tools to strengthen your marriage?
Are the people you surround yourself with for your marriage, or just friends to gossip with?
Apologize to your spouse
Sincerely apologize for the ways you may have hurt them and repent - meaning actively work to not do it again
Even if you don’t think what you did was a big deal, if you hurt them you need to acknowledge that.
Ask the Lord what your next move is
Maybe its separation
Maybe its a marriage retreat
Maybe its working on things with a spiritual leader or counselor
Ask the Lord for wisdom and insight into what you should do.
This is only a simple list, but its a start.
If you want more, here are two videos of Joel and I talking about this in a little more depth. It might be a long watch, but I feel like this information is vital to any struggling relationship!
Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this or would like to share your two cents please leave a comment below or share with a friend! Also, please share on Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest! Its how other people hear about my stuff and how I grow!
