Peace When I Don’t Understand
I sat this morning on my couch surrounded by piles of clean, folded clothes that somehow I just couldn’t find the strength to put away. They had been there a few days now. My underwear drawer was empty and I had to keep coming to the couch to scavenge for my next outfit. It would take less than five minutes for me to put everything away, but mentally it seemed about the same as running a mile right now.
I sat on the couch and cried. My sick daughter sat next to me on the couch, sniffling and becoming absorbed in the same 3 movies she has watched again and again this week. Illness has struck my house. I’ve actually been feeling sick every day this year so far, but now I’m very sniffly ill. My daughter has had a fever for seven days now. My head is spinning from a gigantic to do list that I am getting more and more behind on. I barely keep up with my list some days when I feel great, but now I am floundering.
People need paid. I need to go the the bank. I probably need to grocery shop. I need to finish 1099s. My husband, who is my first lifeline, is engaged in multiple other projects that need his attention now. My mother, my other lifeline, is also sick with a fever. I just sat and cried on the couch this morning because I felt hopeless. I am late on paying some of our quarterly taxes but with a massive construction project happening we are hemorrhaging money. I can’t not go to work. I can’t take a day off. I have to take my sick child with me because I have responsibilities, things I’ve said yes to. Is it time for another shot of DayQuil yet?
As I sat and cried about all that is frustrating me and how hopeless I felt, I let a silly prayer slip up to heaven. “God, can you make someone give me $10,000? That would ease my worry and let me take a few days off”. I then laughed because I realized I would have to pay taxes on it and it barely would be worth it anyways.
It hit me though, that I was feeling a need to be at peace. I was feeling a need to feel secure. My chaotic life was spiraling even further and I needed something to give me hope. Where your treasure lies, there your heart will be as well. Maybe my heart was wrapped up in financial stability. My heart was in security that I myself provided with my own hand. Maybe I was feeling so overwhelmed because I often rely on my own knowledge, my own abilities to make things work. When my own ability, the thing I was putting all my hope and trust in, was taken off the table it took away my hope, too.
Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of the first verses any child memorizes and one of the first we quote to other people when they feel discouraged. Is it something I’ve taken to heart, though? The book of Proverbs is all about wisdom. Wisdom comes with the applied application of knowledge. I have the knowledge of what this verse says. This verse has been tucked in my heart for over 20 years. I know it, but do I know it?
“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”
It’s highlighted in multiple colors in my bible. It’s underlined and circled in blue pen. I've taken notes in the margins. I know this verse. But knowing is not wisdom. Wisdom comes through application. So, the next deep question: how do I apply?
“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart.” If I’m trusting with all my heart that means all, not part. If all my heart is wrapped up in the treasure of my Father than there is no room to trust in myself. Or money. Or anything else that makes me feel secure.
“Lean not on your own understanding”. Right now, I feel hopeless. My understanding of the situation is that I need help. Things are hard. I’m overwhelmed. That is my own understanding. Are there things I don’t see about my situation right now, ways that God is working that I am clueless about? Absolutely.
“In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” This was written hundreds and hundreds of years ago, yet it still rings true. God’s character, how he interacts with us, how he weaves the tapestry of our lives, it's been the same forever. Culture has changed. Values have changed. His love and desire to be acknowledged by us? Still relevant. Still true. Acknowledge you need him. I desperately need him. Not $10,000. Him. I need him.
Taking a deep breath now I feel empowered. The tears have stopped. There is hope rising within me again. I can go forward now with a mind refocused, priorities realigned and a little more wisdom in my pocket. I have the peace again. The peace I knew I had, the peace that passes understanding. The peace that just needed to be acknowledged.
