Peace When I'm Not There Yet

I’m not there yet. I don’t even know entirely where “there” is, but I know it isn’t here. There is a place, a goal. There is 30lbs lighter, there is better skin. There is more tattoos, more patience with my daughter, a new house, completed and functioning businesses. There is a place I hope and dream about. There is a place in my mind that isn’t here. 

I’ve had this idea of “there” since I’ve been young. I thought when I turned 18 I would be happy. When I turned 21 and could go to bars I would be happy. When I finished high school, when I got married, when I had my own place to live, when I graduated college. Those were places in my mind, not so much a physical destination, but a destination nonetheless. Once I reached those goals, I would be happy. One day, I would be there. 

Now, hours away from turning 30, I am reflecting on what I thought 30 would look like. In many ways it isn’t who or what I am today. I had plans and dreams. I had a checklist of things I wanted to have done by now. I’m not there yet and honestly, I don’t know if I’m even close. 

As I’ve been approaching the big 3-0, I’ve done some thinking, growing and learning. One conclusion I came to is that 30 is just a number. 205? Just a number on the scale. 23.17? Just the number in my bank account. They are just numbers. They are not my identity. No more would they be my identity should I weigh less or have a couple more thousand in the bank. God has been graciously and patiently teaching me that it's okay to have goals and dreams, but If I’m not at peace before I get there I sure as heck won't be when I do.

As cliche as it is, I may gag as I say this: life is about the journey. I know that’s something people put in a pretty pink font on a glittery background. It’s something women repost to their facebook feeds when they are feeling a little down. Maybe its so popular though, because it’s true. 

Maybe I need to learn how to love myself, how to have peace with myself, no matter what I look like or feel like. 

Maybe I am not “there yet” in my professional life because there are hundreds of things I need to know and learn before I can manage half a dozen businesses. 

Maybe I need to know that my identity is not in the number of personal goals I’ve achieved, but in the knowledge that I was specifically created for this time and place. I am a much loved creation of an all powerful God who knit me together in my mother's womb. He perfectly, meticulously created me to be me!

Maybe if I spent a little less time worrying about what I don’t have yet. Maybe if I wasn’t so concerned about the mistakes already made. Maybe if I gave thanks for what I have right now. 

Maybe, if I can find peace in the here and now, someday I will have it when I get there. Wherever there may be.