I Asked For This
This morning was rough. It started out great, but after shouting for the 100th time to finish getting ready, I realized it was 9:04, and my daughter is supposed to be at school at 9:00. As I herded my three year old to the door, she began whining and protesting.
“Ow, don’t push me! Don’t rush me!”
“I’m not pushing you, I’m quickly guiding you to the car. And we wouldn’t be in a hurry if you hadn’t taken 30 minutes to get dressed”. I replied through gritted teeth.
I was beyond frustrated, moving into a rage as I buckled her and realized I forgot my drop for the bank and had to dash back inside.
At 9:12 I finally dropped her off, but in those six minutes between our driveway and the school I took the time to be introspective. Why was I so mad? What was causing me to lose patience? Was there anything I could have or should have done differently this morning that would have led to a better result?
I was quickly reminded of a prayer I had spoken almost 5 years ago. Spring of 2015, we had just opened our second business. One night, while making dinner, I told my husband I thought it was time we should start trying to have kids. Being a mom would teach me to be a better person: more patient, less lazy, a better decision maker and multi-tasker. Being a mom would make me a better business owner, too.
My mind changed on and off over the next several months. Joel and I came to the conclusion that we should wait another year or two to start trying for kids. I was at peace with that. With a brand new business we didn’t have time for a baby.
Until God stepped in and superseded our plan.
I’m going to back track a bit, so you can get the full story. In the beginning of October 2014 I missed my period and took a pregnancy test, discovering I was pregnant. My husband and I were going through some heavy marital issues, but I thought a baby would make us stronger. It wasn’t a planned thing, but we were happy nonetheless. We talked about names and even bought a little onesie. We were excited.
Until Halloween night. I was working my part-time job as a cashier and toward the end of my shift I started bleeding. Heavy. I knew what it meant. My pregnancy was over.
I held myself together for the rest of the shift and the Lord gave me a real life illustration of hope. A father and son dressed in costume came in to buy something small. The child was whining for a candy bar and kept protesting, despite his father’s consistent reminder that in just a few hours he would be getting all the candy he could ever want trick-or-treating. Dismayed, the boy continued to cry over the loss of the candy bar in front of him, unable to imagine the bigger, better portion he was about to inherit.
I left work, called my husband and went home to cry in bed. We were supposed to play a set for a 24 hour worship night, but I couldn’t stop crying.
It wasn’t even so much the loss of the teeny tiny baby, but the loss of the hope and future of a child I was already planning everything for in my mind.
Somehow, I pulled myself together and we drove out to church. I cried the whole way. I was crying so hard in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru that they gave us all our food for free.
I was able to stop crying long enough to play through our set, but then we got to the song “Faithful to the End”. I lost it.
At that point I got up and shared with the other worshippers how I had had a miscarriage that day, but I had still come because I had been reminded of David’s response when he lost his first child with Bathsheba. He went into the temple and worshipped.
The whole church gathered around me and prayed. They prayed for peace and comfort and a renewed body.
Then one woman shared a prophecy. She told me that I am an Isaiah 54 woman and I needed to cling to that. I didn’t even know what that meant, but I sat down later to read it.
“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.”
Isaiah 54:1-3 NIV
I hung onto that word in the coming months. Why mourn over the little candy bar I lost today when I was about to receive a portion I couldn’t even imagine?
June 29, 2015 would have been our first child’s due date.
June 29, 2015. The day I conceived my daughter, Vivianne.
(Trust me, I know THE DAY because I will never forget the quickie before work that ended with me exclaiming “oh crap! I’m ovulating today!”)
I asked for this.
Her conception was just as surprising and unplanned as my first, but God was beginning to fulfil His promise to me. More candy, bigger tents, an increased inheritance.
The Lord was about to give me what I asked for. More patience, better time management. The Lord was beginning to give me the strength and wisdom to run our now five businesses and ever increasing responsibility.
I just need to remind myself daily: He’s giving me the opportunity to do it better. One frustrating moment with my child at a time.
I asked for this, so I can rejoice and be glad in it.
