Forgiving Myself

  I read an article this morning that stirred up something dark in my heart. Ironically, I read this article as I sat in my car, bedecked head to toe in clothing from the company this article focused on. The article discussed the almost overnight success of a pyramid scheme clothing company and how it had ruined thousands of lives. Although the intentions of the owners to provide comfortable, modest, stylish clothing may have been honorable to start, years of mismanagement and mistreatment have brought the company to its knees.

This company may prove to be this decades’ Enron. Dozens of former consultants shared how they felt tricked into signing with the company. Once inside they felt trapped and many had to declare bankruptcy to get out. Meanwhile class action lawsuits were being brought against the company left and right. The thing that struck me most however was not the greed and pride of the company, but the hurt and despair I was empathetically feeling for each woman. 

Each woman who shared her story came to the same conclusion. They felt tricked, they felt foolish, they felt stupid. They should have known better. They made a terrible decision that would affect not only the rest of their lives, but the lives of their families as well. 

Perhaps this article stirred my heart so strongly because I have felt the same way lately. I feel trapped, I feel stupid. I made a decision I can’t undo and have to live with forever. 

You now may be asking “what is this horrible decision you made Brittany?”

You may be thinking it was my first marriage that turned abusive and ended very abruptly. If not that surely it was my decision to get a college degree I’m not really using anymore. Both would be wrong. I see good in both situations and am thankful they were part of my life.

The biggest, most regrettable decision of my life to date has been to buy a timeshare from Wyndham. It haunts me. It has taken me to new thresholds of anger. It fills me with regret every time I have to pay the bill. I think why it bothers me more than any other decision is that there is literally no way out. Like many other legal yet immoral money making schemes, once you sign you are stuck. I cannot sell it, I cannot back out. The only way to actually get out of it would be to declare bankruptcy. 

I’ve prayed hard many nights for a way out. I’ve cried many tears over it. Perhaps what disturbs me the most about it though is the fact that I should have known better. I should have known that it was foolish. I was tricked by a smooth talking salesman and I feel so stupid for saying yes. 

For those of you that don’t know much about Wyndham, let me share my story. My husband originally purchased the timeshare before we were married, so technically I inherited it. Basically you buy a certain number of annual points that let you book resorts all over the world. Each time you visit a resort you are invited to attend a “company update” to learn what is new in the company. Nobody actually updates you on anything. Instead they sit you down and explain why the number of points you own is insufficient and how to truly be happy you need to buy more. No matter how many you own, they always want you to think you need more. 

It was in one of those meetings in 2017 that a salesman convinced me that the reason I was having trouble booking the resorts I wanted or finding availability was because I didn’t have enough points. If I bought more then we could properly use the system to our advantage. I agreed. I signed the paperwork. I committed to a $35,000 loan on imaginary property. I would now be paying the equivalent of a monthly home mortgage on property I didn’t actually own and could only stay at twice a year. Hindsight is 20/20, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't sting. 

Maybe you haven’t lost your life savings in a buissness deal. Maybe you haven’t bought a timeshare from Wyndham. However, I bet that at some point in your life you have made a decision you deeply regret. Maybe it was a decision that has since been resolved, maybe it's ongoing. Somewhere, at some point in time, we’ve all made the wrong call. We’ve chosen poorly and it has cost us. 

I recently realized that Wyndham cost me more than $35,000. More than any amount of money, Wyndham cost me my peace. It cost me trust in myself. It cost me my confidence in all business decisions. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get over it. 

I couldn’t forgive myself. 

I prayed and prayed and prayed for a way out of the deal. I felt that if God resolved it then I would finally feel better. 

That’s not how things work though. God isn’t a genie that will pop up and save me from every wrong in the world. Sometimes I need to learn the hard way and sometimes that starts with learning to forgive myself. 

I realized I was living in shame and I was projecting that one poor decision onto every other part of my life. I was letting that one moment in time define my entire identity and I was making myself suffer. 

I had to ask myself the question: “Even if you never ever get out of this Wyndham contract, can I be at peace? Can I forgive myself?”.

This wasn’t an overnight process, it's been years in the making. However, I’ve finally come to a new place. One of forgiveness. 

I can become bitter and be angry about it the rest of my life. 

Or, I can forgive myself, move on, and count it as a fantastic growing opportunity and life lesson, even if I never see it resolved.

The choice is mine.

 And if you find yourself in a similar place, the choice is yours, too.